Dr. Anarchy’s Rules For World Domination: (Or How I Became God-Emperor Of Rhode Island) Read online

  My Thanks

  R. A. Davila has read every single word in this book and been there to help me both edit it and to provide me with ideas and different perspectives. This could not have been written without her help. (Or her constant threats to hurt me if I didn’t get up off my lazy ass to write something.)

  James Wright did not help me with this specific book, but has done all the web design at my website nelsonchereta.com. Thanks James for helping me maintain what (I hope) is an interesting place for my readers to visit.

  I also want to take a moment to thank all my readers who are fans of the Waldo Rabbit novels and have been patient with me as I work on book three, The Rabbit Great And Terrible. It IS coming, I swear, but I am still working on it to make it as entertaining as the first two books. As a special thanks to all of you I have included a short Waldo Rabbit story at the end of this book, and I promise I will not publish it anywhere else. I hope you will enjoy it.

  XXX

  Chapter 1

  In the south Pacific there’s a small, uninhabited island. Well, actually, there are literally thousands of those in the Pacific Ocean, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I was walking along the beach of said island when I came across a beautiful young woman with long silky black hair, a porcelain complexion, and no arms or legs. She was just lying there as I walked up to her. Of course given her state it’s not like she could have done much else. I suppose, technically, she could have been sitting. Especially if she had something to lean against. Sorry, I’m digressing.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Hi,” she said as if greeting me on the street.

  I wasn’t really sure what to say next. I mean given the circumstances there was an obvious question to ask, but I didn’t want to be rude.

  “I don’t suppose you have any water?” She asked.

  “Not on me, but I have some back on my boat. I can go get you some.”

  She shook her head. “Never mind, it’s probably just as well. Without water I should be dead by this time tomorrow.”

  “Well, I don’t know if this matters to you, but according to the area weather report there are going to be squalls all afternoon.”

  “Great. I just can’t catch a break.”

  “So… you want to die?”

  “It’s not my first choice, but given the circumstances it’s probably the best I can hope for.”

  There was an uncomfortable pause.

  “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you doing here on my island?”

  “Dying. Slowly.”

  Looking back on it, I should have walked away from her right then and there. I mean who gets that sarcastic in a situation like that? Seriously? I should have come up with a snappy come back like, ‘well don’t let me get in your way,’ and then just left her there. Instead, I stood there like a moron.

  “So where is this place?”

  “You mean you don’t know?”

  She raised an eyebrow, and somehow managed to look down on me, even though she was lying flat on her back. “What, you think I came here on my own?”

  I have an IQ of two hundred and am the fifth smartest person in the world. (At that point I was number six, but still.) And with that one sentence she made me feel about as intelligent as a two year old. I really should have gone back to my boat.

  “This place is called Teilau and is a part of the Solomon Islands.”

  “And you own it?”

  “That’s right. It used to belong to Richard Faust, Mister Mephisto, and I was able to buy it from his estate. I wanted to see if he might have had one of his secret hideouts here, or at least stashed some of his equipment.” Okay, why on earth did I tell a complete stranger that? Geez, maybe I really do have a problem with monologuing.

  “You’d think they’d be more careful about a supervillain’s property.”

  “I know. Governments can be surprisingly lax sometimes, especially when it comes to getting money for an estate tax.”

  “So did he have a secret base here?”

  “No. There’s nothing but snakes and bugs.”

  “And me.”

  “And you,” I agreed.

  There was another uncomfortable silence. She was lying in the sand of a deserted island with the stumps of her arms and legs bandaged up with dried blood stains. You’d expect someone in those circumstances to come out and ask for help, to plead and beg for help. But apparently she didn’t feel the need.

  “So,” I finally asked. “How did you end up in your current situation?”

  She didn’t answer immediately, but eventually gave a half sigh and spoke. “I’m a ninja, my alias is Raven. I have a mortal enemy named Viper who leads a rival clan. He and his people murdered my entire family. I’ve been tracking them down ever since. I managed to eliminate everyone but him. He ambushed me and did this. Viper brought me out here and left me to die a slow, painful death.”

  I nodded. “Okay, that makes sense.”

  “Wait. You actually believe me?”

  “Sure, why wouldn’t I?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, because I said I was a ninja? And that this was all because of a blood feud between a couple ninja clans? Most people would be a little skeptical.”

  “Well I’m a supervillain, so I try not to judge. By the way, your English is excellent.”

  “I’m from San Francisco.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry, I kind of assumed-”

  “That since I’m a ninja and look Japanese and belong to a clan I was from Japan. I get it. I’m second generation Japanese-American. I went to Cal-Berkley and my family ran a dojo. It was like in Karate Kid, except we had hidden rooms with swords and shuriken and stuff. Plus, you know, we stole things and killed people for money.”

  “I see. Well, would you like me to bring you to a hospital? I’m actually staying in Sydney, Australia, they have good facilities.”

  “Don’t bother. The second he finds out I’m alive, Viper will finish me off. Besides, if I can’t kill him and avenge my family I don’t want to live.”

  “What if you got some artificial limbs?”

  “What good would that do? So I could maybe learn to walk again? Great, I can be standing when Viper shows up to cut my throat.”

  “No, that’s not what I mean. I’m an evil genius. I could give you powered cybernetic limbs. Arms that can punch through concrete walls or bend steel girders. Legs that can run a hundred miles an hour and leap forty feet into the air. I could turn you into a cyborg ninja!”

  The second I said it out loud I got excited. I mean think about it, a cyborg ninja? How cool is that? It’s almost as great as building a giant robot.

  She lifted her head up and stared at me. “You serious? You can actually do that?”

  “I have a masters in both electrical and mechanical engineering from MIT, and I’ve had plenty of hands on experience with robots and robotic limbs.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “And what do you want from me? Nothing’s free. I have hidden bank accounts, I can pay you.”

  “I don’t want money. I just want you to be my henchman.”

  “A henchman?” When she said it her lips twisted like she’d bitten a lemon.

  I nodded. “You can help me take over the world.”

  “That’s not what ninja do. We’re assassins, thieves, kidnappers, and spies. We’re professionals, we work for money. We aren’t into the whole, rule the world thing.”

  “Oh, come on! You’ve got to admit this is a great deal! You get you
r limbs back and get turned into a CYBORG NINJA! And all I ask in return is that you work for me. What could be better?”

  “I don’t know. Being stabbed? Finding out I have herpes? Getting audited?”

  “How about dying of thirst on a beach?”

  She actually had to think about it! I mean, damn, how ungrateful can a person be? Someone comes along and offers you not only a second chance at life, but the opportunity to be superhuman, and you have to think about it? Some people have absolutely no appreciation for life’s unique opportunities!

  “What about Viper?”

  “What about him?” I was honestly surprised she even had to ask. “He’s your mortal enemy and you want revenge. I can respect that. Kill him or do whatever else you need to.”

  She again thought about it! “All right, but here are my conditions.” I opened my mouth to object but she kept going. “I’ll work for you, but I want fair market value for my services, and I’ll tell you up front I’m not cheap. I’m fully trained in the ninja arts and have lots of experience in the field. I’ll choose the jobs I take, so you can forget about me going to pick up your laundry or cleaning for you. I’m a ninja, not a maid.”

  “You sound more like an independent contractor than a henchman.”

  She frowned. “Don’t call me a henchman. I’ll agree to be your sidekick.”

  “Villains don’t have sidekicks, that’s a hero thing.”

  “You can be the very first. Maybe you’ll be a trendsetter.”

  “You can be my lieutenant.” I sighed. Her conditions were dampening my enthusiasm. “But if I’m paying you like a contractor then you’ll have to repay me for the cybernetics. For four limbs the parts and labor are going to cost at least two million dollars.”

  She nodded. “We can work out a payment schedule. Okay, I guess we’ve got a deal. So what’s your name?”

  “I’m Dr. Anarchy. I’m pleased to-” I actually started to reach my hand out. I forced it back down. “I’m pleased to meet you, Raven.”

  The way she looked at me it was obvious she’d noticed. But amazingly she decided not to give me a hard time. “Yeah, same here, Doc.”

  “Actually, I’d prefer you use my full alias, or Anarchy or simply boss.”

  She grinned at me. “I bet you would, Doc.”

  I really, really, REALLY should have left her there.

  XXX

  Rule #33 – Seize every opportunity.

  Chapter 2

  It took me a couple days to get her to my secret lair near Newark, New Jersey. It was an old pesticide plant that was registered to one of my holding companies, Whaler Products LLC. It was where I had my lab set up with a staff of about thirty henchmen. The place was made of concrete and red bricks and the bottom two floors always had a chemical smell to them. After a couple weeks you wouldn’t notice it anymore, but it made a few of my people physically ill. However, it had up to code wiring, was isolated with its own access road, and the realtor gave me a really good price on it. I always had my secret lairs in Jersey, it gave me easy access to New York City, the property costs were lower, and the heroes and New York law enforcement always did their best to pretend nothing existed west of Manhattan. If you were serious about being a supervillain you had to work in New York. It drew villains and heroes much the way would be actors flocked to Hollywood. New York was where many corporations and media outlets were based, it had Wall Street, the Diamond District, and most importantly, it was the home of the League of Heroes. Supersoldier, Dark Detective, Amazon, Shadowman, Legionnaire, The Blur, Iron Knight… legends, all of them, the heaviest of the heavy hitters. All of them lived and worked in New York. If you wanted to make a reputation for yourself it could only be done there.

  Anyway, I brought Raven to my base and took care of her for a week while I tried to get my hands on the necessary cybernetics. People have some mistaken assumptions about evil geniuses. They imagine us sitting in a darkened corner spending every second working on a new fiendish invention. Sort of like an elf in Santa’s workshop. Now, I don’t deny working in the lab eats up a ton of my time. But maybe ten percent of that was spent on creating something genuinely ground breaking, the rest was welding and assembling equipment that I’d bought or stolen. Inventing new technology is hard. If every single thing I used was a new creation I’d never get out of the lab.

  I had to order all the parts before I could actually build the arms and legs. The nerve adapters, pistons, springs, hinges, sensors, and power plants had to come in before I could install them in high steel casing. The number of part suppliers was small and they were all legitimate tech companies. They always sold to a holding company to maintain the fiction they weren’t selling to a supervillain. They all required full payment prior to delivery and if you were serious about being a supervillain you did not cheat or steal from a tech supplier. They’re a tight knit community, and if you get blackballed by them, good luck getting new parts for your disintegrator or killbot. Not only that, but they had plenty of connections with the heroes and Section Seven. I’m familiar with some of the sales reps for IST and Liberty Inc. and Washington Industries. They always tell me about their latest sales to the government or to Armored Cruiser or Panzer. Rip one of them off and suddenly you’ll have half the League smashing down your walls or a dozen Section Seven agents with rifles breaking down your door. You think supervillains are ruthless? Try a defense contractor or multi-national, those people have no sense of humor.

  Anyway, while I was waiting I had the chance to try and get to know Raven. I figured it would be a good idea to develop a bond with my future cyborg ninja. Well... I got to know her.

  XXX

  “So you’re not actually a doctor, are you?”

  “What? Yes I am, I’m Doctor Anarchy. I’m on the FBI’s most wanted list.”

  “Not what I mean. You’re not a medical doctor.”

  “I already told you, I have two master’s degrees from MIT.”

  “Do you have a PhD?”

  “Well… no.”

  “So when you say you’re a doctor that’s just for show. Like someone calling himself the King of Movie Stars or something.”

  I fidgeted a little in my chair. I didn’t like people questioning my credentials. “Well what kind of degree did you get at Cal?”

  “I got a bachelor’s in Eastern Philosophy.”

  “That’s it?”

  She shrugged. “I sort of just went to college for the experience. I knew from the time I was three I was going to go into the family business. I was already taking contracts at sixteen.”

  “Still, I don’t think you should question my qualifications when I earned a pair of master’s degrees in engineering and you only have a bachelors in a liberal arts course.”

  She grinned at me. “Well I don’t go around calling myself a doctor. So what’s your goal? To destroy the social order and plunge civilization into chaos?”

  “What? Why would I want that?”

  “Well you call yourself Doctor Anarchy, don’t you? So isn’t your goal to create anarchy?”

  “I want to rule the world, that’s kind of hard to do if everyone is rioting in the streets.”

  “So you don’t actually want anarchy?”

  “Well, a little might be useful to try and bring down the government, but it would only be a means not an end.”

  “Then why is it your alias?”

  “Supervillains need dramatic names and all the best ones were already taken; Death, Destruction, Doom, Evil, Overlord, Chaos, Terror, Nightmare, and the like. Anarchy seemed the best of what was still available.”

  “Sure, but you’re still not a doctor or an anarchist.”

  “Are you a raven?”

  "Ravens represent freedom and spiritualism, it's symbolic."

  "Well so is mine."

  She shook her head. "No it's not, you already admitted you want to rule over everyone, which implies you want order. Calling yourself Anarchy is just contradictory."

  XXX br />
  I have to admit, I was irritated. My henchmen knew better than to disrespect me. I always carried a disintegrator with me and I was NOT shy about using it on the hired help. I might be a little touchy, but people in my line of work struggle to be taken seriously. Look, my costume is a bright red lab coat with a huge, black letter ‘A’ in a circle. I get how easy it is to see it as silly. I was featured in an article in The Onion, and they did those fucking skits of me on SNL a few years ago. (As a side note, I came very close to tracking down Collin Edwards, the idiot who played me, and killing him. The only reason I didn’t was because I talked to Lord Chaos and he convinced me I couldn’t let people know it bothered me.) Supervillains want to be taken seriously, we want to be respected, it’s a very big deal to us. You want to completely piss off a supervillain? Don’t call us crazy or insane or evil, don’t tell us we’ll never win, or that the heroes are on their way, we’re used to hearing all that, it’s white noise. But just laugh at one of us or tell us our costume looks like a clown outfit. See what happens.